“Crazy” Stages of Awakening
Dear Blessed One,
About six years ago I was out walking when all of a sudden, in a whoosh I was moving in (or as) fluid, and entered into total stillness. I had to slow my walking and breathing because both were making too much noise in this amazing state. The sound was like being underwater breathing with an oxygen tank, except that I could hear my heart beating too. Nothing else around me had sound or relative substance to the dimension I was in.
I continued to float down the hill where I encountered three deer, a mother and her young ones. As we all stopped and our eyes met, instantly my heart became an inferno. Tears streamed down my face and I felt completely consumed by love. Like a deer in the headlights, I was frozen in place with these amazing creatures, experiencing infinite love for what felt like eternity, although was probably only minutes.
As the state slowly faded (leaving remnants of bliss), I flashed to a time with my older brother many years prior. I was sharing a story with him about seeing a couple of deer on a trail while I was out jogging. He smiled an enigmatic smile and said, “If you could sit in their hearts you would know something.” I’ve always wondered if the schizophrenia he was diagnosed with was not illness but misunderstood sensitivity, and just part of the “crazy” stages of awakening. Most modern societies sedate and medicate people if they show signs of insanity. However, many tribes recognize those same signs as the stages of awakening and take care of their people while they are birthed into a new way of being here.
My brother’s wise words struck me then and even more so in this more recent encounter. That’s how it felt – like I was in the hearts of those deer, although I’m not sure if I was sitting in their hearts or if they were sitting in mine – we were all in the one heart I suppose.
Like Prasad, this exalted state was such a sweet gift from Source. It gave me just enough a taste of the Divine to keep me from leaping off of a cliff; most of the time I was in such a burn that I didn’t know whether or not I’d survive. Unaware of what was going on, I was deep in the throes of awakening and felt like I was losing my mind. Little did I know then that losing my mind was exactly what was needed.
Even with all the years of work I’d done (12-step, shadow-work, energy-work, etc.), I was identified with much, still programmed deeply, and quietly befuddled by life and my purpose here. I just wanted to be free.
The burn felt intolerable. I’d be out jogging and everything inside of me was screaming, “STOP!” I had a sense of wanting to shimmy my body just beneath the grass and lie there silently in the soil while finishing the gestation period, or decompose and be done with it all.
I was in a spiritual community that met weekly and there were nights I’d be holding onto my seat and rocking in my chair, feeling like I was going to spontaneously combust while waiting for a moment to speak. Eruptions of anger, sadness, messiness in relating, and inability to motivate myself to “do” anything, especially the daily practices (yoga, meditation…), were the norm for me during this period.
That which no longer served the whole was being reduced, and it was painful. When the fire gets hot enough, those things that do not support our truest essence will burn off. I popped. I survived. You will too. Don’t go it alone.
I’m witnessing a lot of people waking up; what a gift to Mother Earth and to all of us here.
Be with what’s showing up, breathe, scream, cry, laugh, go crazy, and re-member.
You’re in the arms of the Divine…ALL ways.
Much Love and Blessings to You,
“All of our reasoning ends in surrender to feeling.”