There Never Was An I
Dear Blessed One,
For years, a friend has been telling me how proud he is of me for finally getting sober in 1997. He has said how impressed he is by my strength and willpower to get sober and to stay sober after 27 years of alcohol and drugs. And for years now, I keep telling him that I didn’t do it.
Looking back, I can see there was never an I here doing anything. It was all (and still is) a divine unfolding, an amazing flowering in every moment. There was a character that I thought was me (thought being the key word here) and the identification with that personality was strong.
The false self had gathered many beliefs from the past (which created the persona) and it thought there were many things to do in life to meet the expectations of whomever or whatever it happened to be involved with (work, partner, family, etc) to be normal or at least okay.
And then the personality, the one who thought it was in charge, began to dissolve. It was challenging and scary as all the things I believed were true began falling away. It’s as if I were given x-ray vision and suddenly began seeing right through the beliefs.
Who am I if not that? What do I believe if not that? Shouldn’t I believe something?
During the stripping away of who I thought I was and what I thought was true, it felt like I was dying (and at times I just wished I could). It was all so confusing!
On the other side of the death of the conditioned one arose a beautiful free being in awe of life (even the pain). It took a long time for me to get my land legs in this amorphous state and there were many bumps that I had to hit to jostle loose remaining debris from my field (past wounds, etc.).
I can’t think of anything more precious or valuable than the state of open awareness, consciousness in recognition of itself in form.
If you’re wondering what’s next in your awakening process, life will present it. Just remember, it’s all about you. Everything that is presented to you is for your personal growth and expansion. Honor it all. Say yes to all the gifts, especially the most difficult ones. Those are the ones that will produce the biggest blessings.
If the caterpillar knew what it was about to face, we would have no butterflies.
Allow the chrysalis stage. I’ve seen so many get to this stage of awakening and then go on antidepressants, which can delay or stop the process. Listen to the wisdom of your heart.
Let the false-self die. Freedom comes when identification with the illusory self dissolves.
Life is being done through you. Examine the gifts before you. What is life offering you in each moment, in every situation? As in ‘my getting sober’, there never was an I doing anything.
Realizing that you are not all the things you think you are, becoming lucid in the dream, reveals the playground of the divine, the One.
Much Love and Blessings to You,
“When a caterpillar bursts from its cocoon and discovers it has wings, it does not sit idly, hoping to one day turn back. It flies.”
~ Kelseyleigh Reber